Behind People's Shadows

I had always liked to be around people. Talking to them, knowing them, or just having fun.

But the thing is I always do not know what to say to them.

Invariably the conversation will switch to a topic I have no idea about.

Like DoTA. Or football. Or engineering course. Or gossip about some friend.

What the hell am I supposed to say to that?

Often you can see me in groups deep in conversation, but most of the time, I am quiet, like a shadow without a mouth.

I like to think that I am a wallflower: a quiet friend who understand. And then I realised: I'm not happy being a wallflower. I want to be in the action, be a part instead of apart.

There is no worse loneliness than being alone in a crowd.

Deep shiz.

I mean, I do talk to people. I do. I just don't feel as if I belong sometimes.

The people I can connect to are those who are random, like how I hope to be. Life needs order, but that order should rise from chaos. Because it looks damn cool in a history book.

And then I heard this sentence in church the other day.

(In case you're wondering, I'm not Christian. I think.)

COMMUNITY DOES NOT NECESSARILY MEAN CONFORMITY. GOD (whoever He may be)

MADE US ALL TO BE UNIQUE, SO WHY SHOULD WE MAKE OURSELVES UNIFORM?

Deep shiz No. 2.

Aye. Maybe I've been trying too hard to be a part of the group that I'm changing myself, and failing at that too. 

I'm me, and that's what they should know.

I heard this sentence a long time ago, and it hit me real hard:

IF YOU STAND FOR NOTHING, 

YOU WILL FALL FOR ANYTHING

Deep shiz No 3.

And maybe that's the problem. I don't believe, hence I am not, and I change.

The only thing predictable is that I am random.

What the hell.

Okay, I'm not gonna share this like the other posts. I sound quite attention needing here.

I MEAN LOOK AT THE NUMBER OF "I"S IN HERE!

But if you do see it, I'm sorry. I just need to shout.

Cya in counseling.